Ouch. That’s the word that comes to my mind today. I feel like I need an emotional bandaid today.
Here’s a funny little tidbit about me: I’m weird. I’m one of those people who pretends to be strong when I’m not. My life has been a roller coaster (I’m sure everyone can say the same). There are some day when I feel the weight of my past on me, days when I regret my mistakes to my very core. That’s not the weird part. The weird thing is that for some reason, these feelings tend to coincide with my stressful days, days when I have what feels like a million things to do, days when I’m worried for my future. Today is one of those days, and my emotions are magnified. I feel the weight of my past and my future pressing on me, and I feel stuck. I’m scared of making more mistakes.
I know, it sounds stupid. What could a 22 year old kid have to worry about? Guess you could call me a worrywart. I’m willing to bet all the money I have that the world is much bigger than what I know and there are things going on that are ten times worse than what I experience. Some days, it’s hard to remember that. It’s hard to not be the center of your own universe. Given that I’m still just a 22 year old kid, I think I’m allowed to be a little selfish and scream “whoa is me!”
I know my life is pretty good, I live in a nice house (a steal of a deal when it comes to rent), I have a car that I bought, I go to college, I have a job, I have a big family and great friends, and a guinea pig that wakes me up every night. But let me tell you a little secret…
It’s effing scary. I know I got here with a little help from friends and a lot of willpower. I got here by making the right choices and working my tail off. I’m proud of myself for the good things I’ve done with my life, but I didn’t make those choices by accident. I had to think really freakin’ hard, and decide. Then I had to follow through. That’s scary. It’s scary to realize the impact that my choices have made on my life and the lives of those around me. I grasp that what I say and do shapes my world, and by association, the worlds of the people involved in my life. I’ve made a lot of good choices, but I’ve made plenty of mistakes along the way. I’ve hurt people, I’ve hurt myself, I’ve done stupid things (some petty and pointless, others very impacting). I’ve made bad decisions that have broken other people, and that have broken me. That’s pretty stupid. Believe me when I say that I wish I could take it back. I wish I never hurt anyone, but I know that’s not possible in life. I wish for forgiveness for the wrongs I’ve done and to erase the hurt that was felt in the wake of my mistakes, my choices.
I have this fear that if anyone really knew me as well as I know myself, they wouldn’t like me. I feel like I have to put up this façade of strength, like I have to be perfect, like I always know exactly what I’m doing. But I don’t. I have no freaking clue what I’m doing! That scares me. I worry that I’m going to mess something up, so I feel frozen. Or sometimes (here’s the kicker), I act in a way that is completely opposite of what I want and what I feel. Ask me why, and I’ll shrug in response.
When I think about these things, I feel like I’m running in circles. I can’t find any answers and I hate that. I am by no means perfect and it’s hard to admit that. I’m like the ultimate oxymoron. I know I’m not perfect, but as soon as I acknowledge that, I feel I have to fix whatever is wrong with me (and I know that it’s impossible). I set double standards for myself. Am I setting myself up for failure?