My apologies for not having anything important to talk about lately. I’ve recently begun my classes for the semester and have been attempting to acclimate to my new homework schedule.
That’s a lie, there are definitely important things going on in my life lately. I’ve been silent because I didn’t want to speak too soon, but the time has come.
So, as most of my readers tend to be people who actually know me, most of you will also know that I have some issues. Lately, my problems have been coming to a head and I’ve realized that I can’t keep avoiding facing them. The problem is, I have no friggin’ idea where to start. I guess I’ll start with a list of past experiences that have shaped me.
1. The birth of my beautiful little sister Ashley
2. The divorce of my folks and the subsequent numbers Three and Four, all of these events happening at about the same time
3. The burning of my home and,
4. Finding out I was adopted.
5. Finding out I have many siblings from my biological father
6. Dealing with a lot of crappy men that my mom dated
7. Being diagnosed with Scoliosis
8. Meeting my best friends
There are many more events that shaped me, but I will not speak of them publicly because they involve other people in my life.
I was shaped by these events and others. I’ve learned to be strong. Growing up, I felt like I had to be strong for my family and for myself. I didn’t know I was doing it until recently, but I ignored my own problems and issues. My strength became a barrier. As I got older my strength evolved into a wall between myself and the people I love. I felt like I had to keep everyone at arm’s length, loving them, but not letting them in. I became incapable of making the decision to ask for help, even with minor things like a flat tire, and even when help was necessary. Somewhere along the way, without my knowledge or recognition, I began to feel that I couldn’t afford to let anyone know who I really am, and I hated conflict. These things combined to make me a compulsive liar. I wanted to tell people what they wanted to hear, rather than tell the truth. I wanted the path of least resistance. Looking back, I also recognize that because I was capable of dishonesty, I had the upper hand in every relationship and I didn’t feel a need to open up and be vulnerable to anyone. My dishonesty became yet another impenetrable wall I built to protect myself.
As time went on, the people around me (and one person in particular) were able to see through my walls to my weaknesses, which was exactly what I had been trying so hard to avoid. There is one person who has seen me for who I really am and did the exact opposite of what I feared would happen. They reached out to me and began helping me. This person will never know how much they mean to me, they’ve become my Saving Grace. I finally learned how many mistakes I’d been making and that I need to change. My way of survival has been detrimental to the people I care about and myself. I’ve made a promise to myself to change my behavior, which has been easy enough so far. I’ve been honest, even when I’m scared of the consequences. But the root of this behavior stems from my fears and my past, and I know I need to change that, too. I can’t get through it alone. I’ve been reaching out to my Saving Grace, my friends, my family, and now, a therapist. I’m ready to shed these feelings of self-loathing. I’m ready to put my anger, hurt, confusion, and sadness to rest. I’m ready to let people in and I’m ready to be a better person. I’m ready to accept myself, finally.
It’s about damn time.