Category Archives: Thoughts

To be made and unmade, and made again.

I grew up living with my sister, Ashley, and my mother, Ann. This is because my biological father (whose name I don’t really care to share) was is a real piece of work. He has a wrap sheet that’s pages upon pages in length, from stalking to battery and neglect. He has never outgrown being the self-indulgent child that he was before he ever met my mother. And all the other ruthless mothers and broken families he made. He created a handful of broken homes and left our families shattered, picking up his messy pieces and finding other families in the same situation due to him. For years. I have one sister that I was raised with, and many that I was not. Some, I did not even find until just a couple years ago. We bound ourselves together into a semblance of one really big, really fucked up family.

I remember the first times I met each of my siblings and their families. Siblings who I should have had an entire lifetime of knowing. It was extremely emotional. And awkward. But we grew to like and love each other, despite living miles and miles apart and being too young to really grasp what we were forced to deal with. So we grappled instead of grasped. We clung to what we knew, because it was all we knew.

Though it is confusing, conflicting, and unimaginably strange, my family is beautiful. It is the only blessing my father bestowed me. He made me, and then he left. My mom met a man named Jordan, who adored me, even though I was two, and not his. He spoke to my biological father and said, “Hey, you’re not here, and I am, let me have her” (I’m paraphrasing). So my father gave me up for adoption, and Jordan became my dad in all legal respects.  He became my shiny, smiling new dad by loving me in a way that only a father can love a daughter. When I got older and my dad (Jordan) and mom had divorced, things got rocky. When I learned I was adopted, that Jordan was not my dad, I had an identity crisis between the ages of 8 and 9. I did not know who to call “dad” any longer. I didn’t know what family meant. I didn’t understand. I couldn’t look at the man I thought was my dad all along but wasn’t, and not know what I wish I hadn’t known. I played the cards dealt me, and I got over it with time. Things got back to normal between my mother, my dad Jordan, and my Sister and I. Now, I just also happen to have a long story about a sperm donor who made me, along with a lot of other younger sisters and a youngest brother. He gifted me with the relationships that I now have with them and aaaaaalllllllll the rest of the family that came with the package. It’s confusing, and any man that decides to marry me is going to have a helluva time trying to get the family tree straight, but that’s okay 🙂

I can honestly say that I wouldn’t have it any other way.


Strength, and sometimes lack thereof

HAAAMIGAWD! I know, it’s been a very long time. My sincere apologies to all.. thirteen of you who keep up regularly. I’ve been really busy, but I guess that’s just no excuse. Honestly, I’ve mostly been waiting for something worth talking about publicly.

Okay, so here’s some updates on me:

1. In December, I took a trip to Colorado and spent some time with family, and then in the rockies at Breckenridge resort with someone pretty rad who helped me deal with some shit.

2. I have about a week and a half left of this semester at a community college, which leads to my subsequent..

3. I am transferring to a state university soon to finish out my last two years (Almighty Universal Forces please help me, whoever you are).

4. I have quit my job and am now in the middle of switching between two jobs.

5. My new job is at a local chain restaurant. I’ve never been in the serving industry, but hey, a girl’s gotta make a livin’.

6. I like to get outside, which is why I am never here, at my laptop, writing to you. Mah bad.

Now that that’s out of the way, I would like to talk about what I came here to talk about today.

Strength.

Yeah, I know, yadda, yadda, yadda. It can be so cliché. Look away if you must. I want to say that I know people personally, and have heard stories close to the hearts of those I love, that have touched this base within me recently. It takes strength to fend off the ghosts that haunt us. We’ve all experienced things that have left us scarred.

To face things in the moment takes monumental strength and courage, and sometimes even sheer defiance and willpower. I know what it’s like to have to only focus on making it through the day – to hell with any other goals, there’s no room for other goals right now.

yeah, I know. Ibeenthere. Eventually, after facing that goal of surviving day in and day out, you reach a precipice without even knowing it. You recognize the strength within you, the power you command over yourself.

Don’t deny yourself that feeling. You deserve to feel in control, powerful, and strong. You fought with everything in you not to cave, and somehow, you fucking made it.

You cannot control everything that happens, obviously. But you can control how it all affects you. You don’t have to be chased by ghosts. You can face them. You are strong enough, trust me. It’s not easy and it’s usually not quick. You won’t know what you’re doing all the time, or how to feel. That’s okay, because at some point, you’re going to come out on the other end, looking back thinking I can do whatever I need to do. I can do anything. You can move on and let go, truly.

Now I hope to remember that next time I’m facing another situation that is by all (logical) means impossible – Nothing is impossible for me.


fucking. fed. up.

So… I’m about to vent some serious frustration. Just a heads up. All content covered in any post, and in particular, this post, is absolutely fair game for discussion. I get that I’m no political guru, but I am most definitely not completely blind to the Goat Rodeo we’ve been partaking in for the last several years. Let’s get started, shall we?

We are in the midst of what many consider to be a Constitutional Crisis. The Liberals are sitting on their hands and shrugging their shoulders while the Conservatives are jumping from one politician to the next, backing what I consider to be total fuckwads. The game of politics has lost any moral value it once held.

Case in point: Rick Santorum, aka The Most Corrupt Guy in Politics. This guy literally was named Most Corrupt in 2005 and 2006. And Iowa just fucking loves him. Here’s a couple of what I consider to be really fucking stupid ideas:

1. He was State Senator representing Pennsylvania, and he didn’t actually live in Pennsylvania. But! He thought it would be okay to take money from a school district in PA to homeschool his children there.

2. He also blatantly supports bills that favor businesses that he gets “donations” from.

Beyond these failures and faults as a politician, he’s a self-absorbed, hypocritical asshole who happens to be a walking, talking oxymoron. He contradicts himself constantly because he just doesn’t have the balls to follow through with an ideal so as to avoid pissing anyone off. Big fucking mistake, man. If he hasn’t killed his career yet, it’s gonna be any day now.

Quoted by David LaRocque, a patriot and defender of what we thought was a civilized government:

“When we have an ineligible president, an unconstitutional monetary system, unconstitutional czars, unresponsive elected representatives, a thoroughly corrupt federal court system, undeclared wars in violation of the Constitution, an unconstitutional tax system, numerous federal agencies and departments that undertake roles far exceeding the limitations of the Constitution, serious and growing abridgement of specific constitutional rights originating from our Creator and guaranteed by the Constitution, unconstitutional infringement of the rights and prerogatives of the states on a massive scale, unconstitutional land grabs by an out-of-control federal government, outrageous abuses of governmental powers in a wide variety of areas (including the infamous TSA operation, the EPA, the IRS, the DHS, the ATF, the DEA, the CIA, the FBI, the Forest Service, the Fish and Wildlife Service as examples), a socialist welfare scheme that is both unconstitutional and is bankrupting the country, no federal budget for three years running, a “First Lady” who desires to be addressed as “Your Excellency” and has a personal staff paid for by the taxpayers as large as some small agencies, an administration overrun with individuals committed by their Marxist political philosophy to the overthrow of the Constitution and the rule of law, a so-called “Congressional Research Service” which manufactures lies intended to deceive the American people, a Department of Justice that is so corrupt that it defies comprehension and acts as if it is above the law, a corrupt Congress whose members openly exploit their positions of trust for personal financial and political gain, a Supreme Court with members who brazenly defy the obligation of recusal in the face of outrageous conflicts of interest, a Speaker of the House who proclaims that a bill must be passed before we can find out what is in it, unconstitutional “government sponsored enterprises” (including FNMA and Freddie Mac) which have incurred huge losses arising from politically-motivated policies and which losses were borne by the taxpayers while virtually destroying large sectors of the national economy, the passage of a plainly unconstitutional health care bill which will almost certainly destroy what is left of the economic vitality of the nation and insure the descent of the nation into a fiscal abyss from which there can be no recovery, election fraud on a massive scale, and on and on – well we just don’t have much of a Constitution left, in my opinion.”

-I could not have said it better myself. I feel hopelessly doomed to sit by and watch these corrupt cockgoblins ruin our political and economical systems. Why is the imbecile in the majority, in power? Where is the morality and the principle? Why is it that an entire nation of frustrated people cannot get what they deserve from a government that is supposed to be a Republic, to serve the people. This is not right.


cliché

I get it! Writing a post in honor of the new year is marginally bromide, but whatever, I’ll bite. I figured I’d compile a small review of 2011.

I don’t believe that the world will end in 2012, and I think any crackpot who truly does believe so should probably make a call to the local institution where they can ride it out in one of those fancy rooms with the mushy walls. However, after looking back on all of the immensely ludicrous events of 2011 and the choices people made, I will say that one could argue that we deserve to be annihilated.

1. The End of the World!

"Two words: Judgement. Day."

Yeah. Remember this guy? He’s a Christian radio host who predicted the end of the world on May 21, 2011. Here’s the kicker: some people believed him. Some people quit their jobs and sold their homes (why would you do that if the world were really ending? Not like money’s gonna do you any good in Hell! Duhhhh) So after all the hullabaloo, the guy basically apologized. Even his apology was pointing that damn finger you see above at anyone but himself, though. He decided to scapegoat his blame to God and expected his audience to shoulder some of the shame for believing a false prediction. Way to go, asshole. Now we just gotta worry about the OTHER end of the world prediction. Le sigh.

2. Casey Anthony

Don’t look at me like that!

In 2008 this woman was indicted on the charge of first degree murder. I’m sure everyone remembers. This lovely ladeh went on a fun-time spree and neglected to mention her dead daughter to the police for like a month. Not surprisingly, the public assumed her guilty and also assumed that the courts would serve justice, which never happened. On July 7 2011, Casey Anthony was found innocent of the aforementioned charge due to lack of evidence, making her the new OJ Simpson. Instead, she was charged with lying to the police and was sentenced to one year in prison and $1,000 for every charge she was found guilty of. Even that didn’t really mean squat, though, since her sentence was set to time served. Bitches be crazy!

3. Bin Laden

Green camo totally blends in the desert!

Enough Said. I know this is still a hot button/controversial issue/whatevs you prefer to call it. No matter what way you spin it, this man became the face of a war that has dominated the news since I was a wee tot in elementary school.

4. The U.S. Gets Stormy

The U.S. doesn’t usually make these lists, but this last year has been one helluva ride. Over $35 billion in damages and 700 deaths this past year due to a compilation of major disasters. These include over 300 tornadoes in the span of 24 hours in a massive outbreak on April 27, 2011; and a month later, on May 22, 2011 there was the EF-5 tornado at Joplin, destroying the city and killing 158 people; there were also numerous floods and a drought (riddle me that!) and a big blizzard in the past year.

5. Drought in East Africa

The drought spreads across Kenya, Somalia, Ethiopia, Eritrea, and Djibouti has laid waste to the land and water supply, making the worst famine in decades. Estimates predict a minimum of 30,000 children dead due to famine. Thousands upon thousands flood the refugee camps daily. One camp, Dadaab, in Kenya was intended for a population of 90,000 and is now populated by 380,000 people. As many as 10 million people are affected by the drought and famine in the horn of africa to this day.

6. The Earth Quakes and Shakes

From CNN.com

the 8.9 earthquake of 2011 in Japan was one of the worst in recorded history, and it triggered a massive tsunami which has a death toll that is still ticking. I can’t say much to speak to this because the damages to property and lives are too great and too many and still rising.

One more thing…

7. This Guy Exists

"Activating: lusty, yet thoughtful gaze"

Seriously, guys?


we’re all thinking it!

An Open Letter to Local Gym Guido

I am writing to inform you that everyone in America besides the kids on Jersey Shore think you’re a fucking tard. I see you at the gym several times a week, you’re there every single time I’m there. I’m not sure if you’re aware of anyone’s presence besides your own, though, so I won’t presume you have a clue who I am.

You know those weird V-Neck tee shirts you wear, even to the gym? Most people think those are creepy. Nobody wants to see your orangey-tanned pectorals which are strangely absent of hair. By the way, it’s not very manly to be as smooth-to-the-touch as me, since I have a vagina. You don’t need to put your patchy (head) hair up in globs of that shiny, smelly gel when you’re at the gym either. It just makes you look like a child molester. Oh that’s right, you DID get charged for sleeping with that minor. What was she… sixteen? But she gave you consent, right? nobigdeal.

I’m sorry, did I bruise your giant ego? I know it’s hard to hear criticisms, but I really think you should listen and take this to heart. For the aforementioned reasons (and many more!), most people tend to gag when you’re present. Shocking, I know. It is what it is.

Sincerely,

that girl whose ass you stare at while I’m running on the treadmill.

P.S. Yeah, I know it’s a nice ass – why do you think I spend my time at the gym?! Doesn’t make you any less creepy for staring (for minutes on end). Yes, I’m aware that you’re obsessively checking me out. Do you really think I’m that dense?


Starlings

 

 

 

In a world that is being demolished and exploited by mankind, there are still moments that make people like me hope that we will not ruin our planet. Not because we won’t try our damnedest, but because nature will balance things, in the end. How could something so beautiful be ruined? This video I’m about to share reminded me of a beautiful poem that I analyzed for my British literature class when focusing on the Romanic Period. It’s called “God’s Grandeur” and was written by Gerard Manley Hopkins, who lived from 1844 to 1889.

 God’s Grandeur
THE WORLD is charged with the grandeur of God.
  It will flame out, like shining from shook foil;
  It gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil
Crushed. Why do men then now not reck his rod?
Generations have trod, have trod, have trod;         5
  And all is seared with trade; bleared, smeared with toil;
  And wears man’s smudge and shares man’s smell: the soil
Is bare now, nor can foot feel, being shod.
And for all this, nature is never spent;
  There lives the dearest freshness deep down things;         10
And though the last lights off the black West went
  Oh, morning, at the brown brink eastward, springs—
Because the Holy Ghost over the bent
  World broods with warm breast and with ah! bright wings.

Occupy.

I’ve been inspired to share the plight of the 99%.

I’m a full time college student and part time worker. I work for a mom-n-pops shop trying to stay afloat in a fucked economy. I’m getting a major in journalism and a minor in PR, and I’m terrified ever day. I’m scared of every dollar I incur in debt and the possibility that I won’t be able to pay it back. I’m scared that in pursuit of a decent life, I’ll ruin my chances of said life. I’m angry, and I can’t be silent any longer. I must speak for my generation.

Occupy Wall Street