Category Archives: Quit It!

we’re all thinking it!

An Open Letter to Local Gym Guido

I am writing to inform you that everyone in America besides the kids on Jersey Shore think you’re a fucking tard. I see you at the gym several times a week, you’re there every single time I’m there. I’m not sure if you’re aware of anyone’s presence besides your own, though, so I won’t presume you have a clue who I am.

You know those weird V-Neck tee shirts you wear, even to the gym? Most people think those are creepy. Nobody wants to see your orangey-tanned pectorals which are strangely absent of hair. By the way, it’s not very manly to be as smooth-to-the-touch as me, since I have a vagina. You don’t need to put your patchy (head) hair up in globs of that shiny, smelly gel when you’re at the gym either. It just makes you look like a child molester. Oh that’s right, you DID get charged for sleeping with that minor. What was she… sixteen? But she gave you consent, right? nobigdeal.

I’m sorry, did I bruise your giant ego? I know it’s hard to hear criticisms, but I really think you should listen and take this to heart. For the aforementioned reasons (and many more!), most people tend to gag when you’re present. Shocking, I know. It is what it is.

Sincerely,

that girl whose ass you stare at while I’m running on the treadmill.

P.S. Yeah, I know it’s a nice ass – why do you think I spend my time at the gym?! Doesn’t make you any less creepy for staring (for minutes on end). Yes, I’m aware that you’re obsessively checking me out. Do you really think I’m that dense?

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I’m a quitter.

So I’ve recently decided to quit smoking. I’ve also decided that I want to write a blog that will include some info about cigarettes and some helpful hints for fellow quitters winners.

Why are cigarettes addictive?

Well, I know you know this (cuz everyone does) – you can blame the nicotine. Nicotine is a stimulant that releases beta-endorphins, the natural chemical in our brains that makes us feel good. Here’s some stuff you might NOT know about cigarettes. In each ciggy, there’s over 600 chemicals/additives, and the effects of these chemicals actually multiply when we inhale them – in effect, we inhale about 4,000 chemicals (because of the way they mix to produce MORE chemicals).

The purposes of these additives are to

  • improve burning speed and consistency
  • preserve the tobacco
  • improve the flavor
  • and most importantly: to increase/enhance the effects of the nicotine. They basically BOOST the addictiveness of the nicotine.

So now that I’ve got mah edumuhcatin’ outta the way, I can get to the part that you really wanna hear:

6 Useful tips for quitting!

1. Watch this movie: The Insider (1999)

Okay, after you watch that, you’ll be fucking PSYCHED to not spend another penny on cigarettes.

Next on the list is…

2. Load up on fruits and veggies. If you’re like me and you decide to quit cold-turkey, you’ll want to have plenty of healthy foods around while you detox. I found that grapefruit is effing GREAT for nicotine detox, not only because it’s healthy, but it takes time to cut out all the little pieces so it keeps your hands occupied.

3. some sort of candy or gum. When you feel those nasty, nasty cravings and you NEED something to do with your mouth/hands, and you’re not home to eat a grape, eat a candy. Try to avoid becoming dependent on replacing ciggies with candy, so this means you GOTTA try to not eat some every single time you crave. They key is moderation. I use candy only during my WORST cravings. If you can find something fat free, and/or sugar free, go with that.

4. A healthy habit to keep yourself from sitting at home doing nothing, thinking about how much you’d like to smoke. I picked up the habit of riding a bike (27 miles today!) .

5. An iPod app (I’m sure there are hundreds of android equivalents) called SMOQUIT. It tracks everything from money saved by not smoking, to the number of cigarettes you would have smoked since your quit date, to a cessation/goal timeline to help keep you motivated.

Badass App!

6. A really supportive friend/someone who will spend a lot of time with you over the course of several days. Spending my time in someone’s company is probably the MOST helpful of all these tips. There’s plenty of reasons why it’s helpful to have someone around you while you make this life change, but I’m sure that these reasons will vary from one person to the next.

That about sums it up. No matter what you do, it’s going to be a long, hard road to being smoke-free. I will say that it is completely impossible to quit until you are truly ready to commit to your decision, because at the end of the day, these tips I’ve given you are just that – mere tips – they will not guarantee success in your endeavor. At the end of the day, the most important thing you have is your willpower. You MUST commit yourself fully. It’s not easy, but I will say that it’s totally worth it. It’s been a week, and I’m not turning back. Every day gets a little easier and I breathe a little better.